A Newbie Father’s Guide
As a father, I think I have learned much, grown in
maturity (now having the grey hairs to prove it!) and changed my
world-view to encompass my role as a dad. Before I digress and
potentially forget all the important life-lessons and various
child-rearing wisdom learned along the way, I realized that I should
probably write down what I have gleaned from this whirl-wind tour called
‘fatherhood.’
Hopefully, what I share might bail some poor unsuspecting
sap from the 'dog-box,' or actually prevent them from ever having to step
foot inside said dog-box.
Welcome to the club
For those of you who have just become dads, welcome to the club. Most
new fathers will notice fairly soon how ‘new’ everything is! Suddenly
you have a new baby, a new wife/partner, and a new life.
To the
bewildered father, whose misconceptions about the whole experience are
now all too apparent, everything is a learning curve.
Before
the birth, most men believe that they are the focus of their partner’s
attention. The new father might also believe that
parenthood is fairly straightforward — a fundamental natural event
that has occurred without too much encouragement since the conception of
the human race!
For first-time dads, all this is new. Probably the most
disconcerting and misunderstood event for the father, in this whole
life-changing process, is breast-feeding. The mother, of course, as part
of her new role takes breast-feeding in her stride (most of the time)
and accepts it for what it is. Basically, feeding the baby.
The father, however, may feel like he is in the middle of a small-scale corporate
takeover! An underdeveloped CEO, intent on transferring assets to the
Primary Production sector, has now annexed a previously
secure share dividend in the ‘entertainment industry.’
Dairy giant Fonterra, will
soon be knocking on the door looking for investment opportunities in
this thriving milk-factory (that’s what my wife calls it!). Apologies
for the analogies, but you get the drift, right?
Meanwhile,
back to reality. We knew deep down this would happen and it’s not so
much the feelings of exclusion or the ‘what about me’ factor, it’s the growing feeling of helplessness that inevitably pervades the new
father’s thoughts.
Once all selfish feelings have been swept aside and
we can actually see that what our partner does is for the good of our
child, then most fathers will start to ask how they can help.
Of all the
duties associated with parenthood, apart from the actual act of giving
birth, breastfeeding is obviously the exclusive domain of the mother.
Bottle-feeding will come later, but in the meantime the father will just
have to accept that it’s one thing he can’t do.
Don't despair, there are many other things
new dad’s can do instead, half of which will be expected (warning:
without actually being directly communicated) and the other half which
might help to eventually retain a few of those highly prized share
dividends in the ‘entertainment industry!’
One
of the things I wasn’t prepared for, as a new dad, was how long it
actually takes to breastfeed a little baby. My wife and I added up the
time spent over a 24-hour period and it averaged between 10–12 hours,
with a typical breastfeed taking between 40–60 minutes given at 4 hour
intervals or when needed.
Obviously these kinds of statistics will
differ with every mother/baby combination, but one thing that is certain
is that it is definitely time consuming.
With all these aspects in mind, here are my top five hacks/tips for those new fathers looking for alternative ‘breastfeeding’ duties:
1. Bring
your partner a nice drink (non-alcoholic or caffeinated) while she is breastfeeding.
Something nutritious and tasty will actually give her a boost as well as
provide necessary fluid. Try a fruit smoothie or iced water etc.
2. Try
not to fuss over them both while she is breastfeeding. Use the time to
make the bed or fold some washing. If you are awake at night while she
is up breastfeeding, bringing a drink in to her is apparently quite
‘nice.’ Most important: do not interfere unless asked.
3. Breastfeeding
usually happens bang on dinner time so if you can’t cook, pick up a
recipe book and learn how. Simple dishes are not hard to make and are
usually well received by exhausted mothers. Save the gourmet meal for
the weekend when you have a bit more time to prepare.
- Tip #1: have lots of fresh fruit on hand as a banana will stave off hunger (for you and her) while you are cooking the vegetables to go with the main course.
- Tip #2: Cook a large meal and divide it up into smaller meal sizes and freeze them. Good comfort food like Lasagne, Stews, Casseroles etc are great for this purpose. Saves you heaps of time later if you need a quick meal — just defrost and heat.
5. Whenever possible, encourage and provide the opportunity for your partner (subtly) to take naps, as this will benefit you both in the long run. Tiredness is perhaps the biggest cause of stress with a new-born for all concerned, especially so for the mother, who will spend long and irregular hours nurturing your child.
Enjoy the ride and do your part
While
your partner is breastfeeding, accept that you will need to take over
some duties you might not have done all the time previously, e.g. I did ALL the cooking. Step up and make it ‘your thing’. Once you’ve done
these chores a few times, you'll realize that it gives you something
to do, as much as it also serves to help out around the house while your
other-half is filling up bubs.
Probably the most important thing of all is to provide a low-stress and understanding environment for your partner.
Forget about what you ‘need’
for the first few months — it is all about the baby. Your partner will
be doing her part with breastfeeding for up to 12 hours over a 24-hour
period along with other domestic chores. Even if you are the main
‘bread-winner,’ make sure you are prepared to help out when you get home
from work.
Be patient, your partner and baby will love you for it (hopefully) and if not at least you will feel as though you've done your share.
Remember,
the happier your partner is, the happier they will be with you.
Everybody knows that shares gain interest the longer they are left
alone, but don’t forget, the more you invest — the bigger the return.
Happy parenting.
******************************
Look:
- My experience as a ‘stay-at-home-dad’ gets a mention in this Newswire article: http://www.newswire.co.nz/2009/03/stay-at-home-dads-tackle-stigma/
- For other weirdness, why not try breastfeeding the dad way: http://www.thingamababy.com/baby/2007/04/malelactation.html
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